Nationals. It's a pretty big deal, huh? I tried to take the pressure off by keeping my goals simple and treating it as any other race, but with any A race, along with big goals and dreams, there's always pressure. There's always something on the line.
I need to prove to my parents that I'm not throwing my life away with my current dream chase.
I need to prove to my coach that all the time and energy he has invested in me has been worth it.
I need to prove to my friends and supporters that I don't just talk the talk and that I also walk the walk.
I need to prove to myself that I am choosing the right path in life for me.
So, no pressure, right? Mentally and emotionally, I tried to stay calm and not think about anything race result related, but it was a tough challenge. Personal events that happened the week leading into the race, along with a history of psyching myself out for big life events (ie. SATs, MCATs, etc.), I was already off to a bad start mentally and was putting myself at a disadvantage for Saturday's race. I tried to shut everything out and did everything in my power to get back into zen mode.
My body and mind was exhausted, but my last run, bike, and swims before Nationals were indescribably peaceful, and they all reminded me of why I was there in Milwaukee and how far I've come, not just in the sport of triathlon but in life as well. All my training there was filled with many pauses, gasps, and namastes.
My body and mind was exhausted, but my last run, bike, and swims before Nationals were indescribably peaceful, and they all reminded me of why I was there in Milwaukee and how far I've come, not just in the sport of triathlon but in life as well. All my training there was filled with many pauses, gasps, and namastes.
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| My 40 minute run turned into 70 minutes because of this view and many more! |
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| What a great bike route! |
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| Biked through forests and beaches all in less than 30 minutes?! |
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| I had already done my morning swim in the pool, but the open water was too enticing. I had to jump into that as well :) |
My physical and mental tiredness caught up to me at the worst time possible as I couldn't stop yawning all weekend long. (Sorry Pamela! I swear you weren't boring me!!) I tried to get as much good quality sleep as I could (instead of crash training, crash sleeping), but soft mattresses are one of my nemesis, and so is being away from home. :(
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| Superangieman is not so super at resting. Trying to play catch up. PC: Pamela |
RACE DAY: OLYMPIC TRIATHLON
Alarm was set for 5am, but I woke up at 1am and couldn't go back to sleep. Too many nerves, and I was pretty anxious to race. I got tatted up, Zooted up, and stuffed up (ate banana, nutella, and bread aka OM NOM NOM NOM).
My awesome Sherpa entered transition with me, helped hold all my gear, and did all the heavy lifting while I took my time to set up my transition area. We were so efficient that there was still an hour left before transition closed and almost 3 hours to spare before my wave started. Oops. So we just sat down by the lake and watched the sunrise.
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| One of my favorite photo during the trip with one of my favorite triathlete! PC: Pamela |
I napped, ate, warmed up, and jammed to the awesome nationals soundtrack. Kudos to the emcee and dj! Before I knew it, it was go time.
Swim (1500m)
The water felt amazing. 70 degrees! The wetsuit kept me afloat, so treading water before the start wasn't a problem or an energy sucker. We high-fived the competitors around us and then the gun went off.
Frantic-ness occurred with a sea of limbs as I tried to hang with the front pack for long as I could. I was feeling pretty good and hopeful but after five minutes, a huge smack of uncomfortableness hit me in the gut. You know that feeling you get when you're pushing so hard, you want to hurl but without the nausea? Like being punched in the stomach constantly? That's how I felt. I had no idea why I felt this way since I wasn't going all out on the swim, and I wasn't expecting to feel this pain until I hit the run leg. I reluctantly let the front pack swim away while I tried to slow down and settle into a more comfortable pace to recover. Unfortunately nothing helped and a few minutes later, breathing became difficult and I was starting to severely overheat in my wetsuit.
I tried to troubleshoot what the heck was going on because I had swam longer than this at a faster pace just the day before and not once felt hot in the wetsuit or had issues breathing. Chest felt heavy and restricted.
What the heck!?!! Dammit. The front pack is getting further away! It's okay. Damage control, Ang. Just swim whatever pace you can sustain and we'll catch as many as we can on land. Be prepared to hurt once you're out of the water.
Tick, tick, tick. Tick, tick, tick.
(Since I can't race with a metronome, I tried to mimic the beeps I was so accustomed to hearing during my race pace sets.)
As more swimmers passed me, I tried to draft and stay at their toes, but each time I pushed, I kept feeling worse. That plan got nixed quickly, and my mental fight was starting to die. After the last turn, it was a straight shot to the swim finish, and that cheered me up. A lot. Despite the TYR air banner still a good ways ahead, I locked my sights onto it and gunned for it.
Tick, tick, tick. Tick, ticktickticktick.
I really wanted to get out of the water if you couldn't tell. I was hot and had been wanting to strip the wetsuit off since seven minutes into the swim. By now, I knew the perfect race I wanted to race was out the window but my two strongest disciplines were to come, so hope wasn't all lost just yet.
I came out of the water after 28 minutes but it took me a really long time to get my bearings and be able to walk up the ramp (added an extra minute to my swim time). Swim to land transitions have never been this bad before. I treaded carefully and took my precious time to get to T1.
1500m, 29:29, 1:47/100yd
T1
It was a painfully long run since I still couldn't breathe well. I was so out of it that I didn't even notice that my swim cap and goggles were still on until I tried to put on my helmet. Wow. A first.
Bike (40km)
If I thought the swim was bad, I was up for a real treat. The bike was just as bad, if not worse. I tried to push, but it felt immensely hard to hit the numbers that I could probably ride in my sleep. I kept thinking I had a flat, but after peeking down many times, that was not the case. It was me who was flat. I had nothing. And to make matters worse, my lower back started hurting at mile 3 and got progressively worse throughout the ride. The back spasms took out whatever was left in my legs and I just tried to keep pushing to get to the finish. The faster I get off the bike, the sooner the back pains will stop. (I knew sleeping on a soft hotel bed would give me pain but it was never this bad -- I also never stayed at a hotel for that many days before a race.)
I seriously nearly raced the entire bike leg in zone 1. I was so crushed coming in, I contemplated giving up after T2. The thought of quitting had crossed my mind while I was on the bike countless times (I mean a crap ton), but I kept chugging and trying to fight because friends and family were watching and tracking online, and I still had other goals aside from Team USA that I could still accomplish.
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| Flawless dismount, a little too early though. Soon after this, I was shaking my head at Pamela. PC: Pamela |
40km, 958ft elevation, 1:09:25, 21.5mph avg
Run (10k)
I came out of T2 still not having completely given up. I told myself that I could still bang out a killer run and set a PR in all three disciplines and crack 2:30. I settled into the race pace I had been training to run and had just hit during training the Thursday before I left. That didn't last long. I had a hard time breathing well as my chest felt super heavy and constricted. It was feeling as if an elephant was sitting on me. I slowed down just a tad bit and tried to keep fighting despite the chest pains.
To distract myself from the physical pain I was in, I tried to keep myself mentally engaged. A girl passed me up and on the back of her jersey was a really cute character that said be mighty.
- Be mighty, Angie. Stay with her. It's slower than the pace you want but it's better than you running alone and slowing down even more. Push. Don't let her go.
- I can't.
- Yes, you can. Just try. Be mighty. Eye her jersey like you did the pulley system at the gym. Just 5 miles left. You can do this. Just try.
Trying soon felt so futile as my mind wore down and could barely fight anymore. Lots of competitors in my age group were passing me up. I wanted to quit by mile 2.5.
-C'mon. Pick up the pace. You can still massively PR. Be mighty. Be somebody.
As the cute cartoon character got further away, I just lost it mentally. I couldn't fight anymore. I was physically in a lot of pain (legs were fine but the heart, lungs, and chest were far from fine), and the only thing that was keeping me in the race was my mind. When I lost my mind, all the demons came out, full force no less.
- You're not mighty. You're not somebody. You're nobody.
- What are your parents going to say? They are going to rub this race in your face.
- Karen told you to fight for her, and this is how you fight? Pitiful.
- Friends who are watching or tracking will be wondering why you're so far behind.
- You're all talk and no walk.
I'm going to stop there because it's all painful to hear, even when I'm better mentally now, but it was rough. So much was said and hurt was at an all time high. I wanted to quit so many times. It would've been really easy. Just hop off to the side of the road and sit there until the sun came down. I wanted nothing more than the day to be over because all I wanted to do was curl up in fetal position and cry myself to sleep like I did during the dark ages not too long ago.
I thought about quitting too so I could save myself for one last go at the sprint race the next day, but I knew that was an easy way out.
- This race was the one I had signed up for and trained for. I cannot quit. That's the last thing I will ever do. I may have given up, but I will not quit. What message will that send to everyone?
That one thought alone got me to the finish line. It was the longest and most miserable 10k of my life, but I finished. I didn't PR the 10k, but I still PR'd my olympic distance triathlon time by 10 minutes.
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| To the finish! |
Postrace
I went to the medical tent right away since I needed ice and also someone to watch over me to make sure I was okay (turns out, I had a respiratory illness). I was released after a good while, but was still feeling like crap, both mentally and physically. It took whatever energy I had left to not break down. Pamela was able to sneak into the tent to check up on me and after asking how I felt, the next thing she said was, "Karen says I love you." I held those tears back because I knew a flood would come. I had failed hugely in my mind, but my sister didn't care. Later our text conversation went as followed:
Me: I'm sorry
Karen: For what?
Me: I failed. I had nothing.
Karen: Well, then your nothing is amazing.
(How can you not cheer up after that?)
After checking the bike out and eating a quick bite, we returned to the hotel and created a proper ice bath. My pity party had ended somewhere between exiting transition and driving home (there was a 30 minute time limit to feel bad), then the rest of the day was used to rewire my brain and salvage what I could to do well in the sprint race.
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| N-n-n-o ddddddon't add more iiice. It'ssss c-c-old enough alllllready! Pamela did not listen. PC: Pamela |
RACE DAY: SPRINT TRIATHLON
This race was on the down low because I wasn't sure if I was even going to race it. It was going to be a game day decision. I still wasn't sure if I was going to do it after dinner Saturday or before going to sleep because I was so mentally devastated and scarred from the day before. I wasn't mad that I didn't physically have it on that day (okay, maybe a little, but it happens), but what I was so upset about was that I had stopped fighting mentally. If I don't have the mental strength to keep pushing, then I'm in the wrong business.
I slept on the floor that night with a heating pad to give my back extra support and to keep it from spasming. I woke up in better spirits. The sunrise helped raise my mood a bit. No one knew I was racing, and I liked it better that way. If I didn't do well, no one will know. If I did well, no one will know either. This race had no physical goal, just redemption. I knew I didn't have it physically, but I sure as hell was going to fight if I was going to race. The only focus of the sprint race was to be in it fully mentally. That's all. Time, finish, and placement didn't matter. Just be mentally there the entire time.
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| Last 'Good Morning, Milwaukee!' |
That one race objective felt daunting, but I knew I needed to do it. I needed to get that mental strength back. I was still hesitant to race and could've easily backed out anytime before my wave, but I made myself commit to racing, and that was the end of it.
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| I love how the sport of triathlon is growing, both in athletes and spectators. |
Just take it easy and make it out of the water. You'll feel much better on land. It's half the swim of yesterday. Only 15 minutes or less in the water, and you're done!
Tick. Tick. Tick.
The swim was over in 14 minutes. I felt a lot better coming out of the water than the day before, and I was ready to give it everything on the bike and run.
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
PUSH!
FIGHT FOR KAREN. FIGHT FOR EVERYONE.
GIVE IT EVERYTHING!
That's all that ran through my head the entire bike leg. As a result, it was my best wattage average for any sprint I've ever done by over 10 watts. Yowza! I fought alright.
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| OF COURSE I ACCEPT!! PR-ing all day! |
The run was tough, especially since I couldn't breathe. The respiratory illness was making me wheeze by now. It sounded like I was dying. I just tried to hold a pace as close to 7 minutes as I could, but I was running into a headwind, so it was tough. I kept telling myself to fight. It's only 3 miles, then it's all over. By mile 2.4, I was wheezing even worse. I took comfort in the fact that no one in my age group had passed me up yet and that I was almost at the finish. I probably jinxed myself because right after I finished that though, a competitor ran by me. She was 28.
- Gah! Dammit! Don't let her go. What if she's 25th place? She's the last qualifier. Don't let her go! Hang on!
- But she can hear me breathing/dying!
- Who cares, push! Hang on! It's only 0.6 miles!
After a good 20 seconds, I knew I wouldn't make it to the finish line if I tried to keep up with her. I slowed back down to my previous pace and kept making my way to the finish.
- Okay, maybe she's not the 25th place. Now you're in 25th. Don't let anyone else pass you u-
- Dammit!! This girl's number is 5416. You're 5414. DO NOT LET HER GO. THERE'S ONLY 0.5 MILES LEFT.
I picked up my pace and matched her stride for stride. She was not going to leave my side. I was wheezing like crazy, but I did not care because I was going to fight. I was going to lay it all out with just 0.5 miles to go.
- Just hang in there. 0.3 miles.
- 0.2 miles. Oh my gosh, it's going to be a freaking sprint finish.
- I'm feeling pretty good, should I make a move now?
- NO! You don't have much left, you're going to putter out. Let her make the move first.
- WHEEEEZE! Okay, good idea. Wait till the red carpet to sprint.
We seriously ran side by side for the last half mile. It was pretty epic. She made the move a bit before the red carpet and I lunged to follow. I sprinted with everything I had, but I couldn't breathe so I was pretty limited. I was only able to make it this far because of the PowerLung. I made every breath count.
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| The two peaks at the end prove that I wasn't lying about picking up the pace for drama points! :P |
- You did it. You fought. I'm proud of you.
- Me *WHEEEZE* too.
I got up and exited the finishing area and was immediately greeted by Pamela.
Pamela: You did it.
Me: What?
Pamela: You freaking did it!
Me: What are you talking about?
Pamela: You qualified for Team USA!
Me: ?? How do you know already? Are you sure?
Pamela: I wouldn't lie to you! The announcer said here come's 17th place, oh, and right behind her is 18th! You got 18th! You did it!
I was still shocked and was trying to process what she had said, but once her voice cracked and she started tearing up, I couldn't help but tear up too. The moment that followed was too precious and priceless. Two friends shared an embrace over tears and words of making a dream come true. I'm really glad Pamela was there at the moment because I'm not sure if anyone else would've understood what it meant, then and there.
I got my official results soon after, and Pamela was right, she didn't lie to me. :) I fought the entire race, and the numbers on that little sheet of paper wouldn't have changed how I felt about my performance, but I still took a peek anyways. The funny thing is.. my goal coming in to race week was to dreamingly hit 1:15. I modified it to a finish at realistically 1:20 race morning due to mental/emotional trauma and not being physically 100%. So what was my sprint finishing time? 1:16.01. Haha, amazing what the mind alone can do, right?
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| We ended our trip with a nice walk along the Milwaukee River. Twas a good day! :) |
The truth is that I really had nothing to prove during Nationals. I subconsciously put unnecessarily pressure on myself and that led me to mentally unwind. Despite the personal issues that I have to fight through everyday, I still have nothing to prove to my parents, my sister, you, or me. I have already proven who I am and what I'm worth the last two years as I rose from total darkness and strove for light. Nothing can change that. No race can ever take that away from me, and it won't ever happen again.
I will always fight. Even if my body gives up, I will still continue to fight mentally. Giving up isn't failure. Losing the will to fight is.
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| Pamela had posted this quote a few days before the race. How befitting for it to come true on Sunday. |
Thank you. You are all a part of the 2015 Team USA Sprint Triathlon.
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