Cashews and Peanuts

Whenever I open a bag of trail mix or mixed nuts, I tend to pick through and find my favorites first. Tart cherries, dried pineapple, cashews, and almonds. My dad hates it when I do that because all that's left in his Planter's Deluxe Mixed Nuts can is just peanuts, hazelnuts, and Brazilian nuts. Oops. Love you dad. And in my defense, I do leave a cashew or two for him..

Deluxe for me, not so deluxe for my dad!

Life's adventures are like a bag of trail mix. I don't know what I'm going to get, but I know there will be disappointment, encouragement, failure, and success. And just like how I pick and choose which nut or dried fruit to take in first, I also need to decide which life news/adventure to absorb that will help me grow the most.

A wrench got thrown at me today after follow up testing with my coach, and it hurt. I'm disappointed, very disappointed, because it wasn't what I wanted to hear. At the same time, it was encouraging, but I didn't feel encouraged at all because I was too busy feeding on the peanuts. (No offense to peanut lovers! I just love cashews more!)

I did all my training. I was in the hurt box more than ever for many sessions and still pushed through. I completed workouts that I didn't even think I could do. My average watts increased. My strength increased. I felt and knew I was a stronger athlete. I was ready to show that on paper on test day.

Boy was I wrong. I couldn't even complete the test last week due to exhaustion and lack of recovery. Mentally, I could've pushed on, but physically, I was dying. My lactate levels were doubled what they were last testing, during warmup no less, and I'm supposed to be a better athlete now. Coach shut the test down and gave me a lecture and lesson on the importance of rest, recovery, and sleep. Duely noted. My agenda for the week was to try to sleep at least 10 hours a day (really really hard for me! I've struggled with good quality sleep since college/depression and surgery) and to test again after recovery week.

I went into testing again today feeling like 100%. I was definitely more awake than last week, and my body felt more alive and ready to pounce than it had the past few weeks. I was ready to knock some numbers out of the ballpark! The only thing I knocked was my pride. I was feeling so good, and pushing the pedal to the metal felt much, much easier than last Tuesday. I knew I was going to put up some impressive numbers again today. 

Coach: How are you feeling?

Me: *thumbs up* (mumbling through an oxygen mask) I feel great!

Coach: Yeah, that's deceiving. Let's shut it down.

Me: ?!?

Well, I did produce some high numbers, but not in the good way. My heart rate and lactate levels were even worse than last week and way higher than my initial testing. 

WHAT!!? How is that possible?? I rested all week just for today, and I feel so much better. How can I be that much worse?

After explaining all the possible factors to me and seeing my face, coach ended the day by saying, "don't be discouraged. It's good that we caught this now so early. You're so young, and there's still years before your prime. Once we figure out what's wrong and fix it, you'll be unstoppable. It's a learning process. For both of us."

Going in thinking I'll hear news like 'you're going to be the next big thing' and coming out with 'you're going backwards', 'you're probably sick and don't know it yet', and 'you need rest'. That was all I focused on. Those dang peanuts!! I should've done this, I should've done that. Yadda yadda yadda. I let myself get disappointed and discouraged because I was focussing on all the wrongs, all the problems, all the things out of my control. This action was not helping me grow at the moment, and I was in fact retrogressing. The dream does not end here. Disappointment does not end dreams. Failure does not end dreams. Inaction does. So what am I going to do?

You can always count on this guy for  great life advice!

Shift my focus and pick out the cashews and tart cherries. Find the positives, and find the lessons. Adapt and learn. 

• Coach said this could be easily fixed with reduced training volume and extra rest. 
• I need to focus more on trying to get better quality sleep and discover what helps with that. It's hard to fix something immediately that I've had trouble with for years, but I have to start somewhere.
• The changes might only take a few weeks to turn into progress instead of months or even years (worse case scenario of major overtraining).
• I'm still a baby in this sport, and all these things I learn now will be weapons later.

Mmm. Don't these cashews and cherries just taste better? I'm not suggesting that you should have a deaf ear to criticism or advices or changes, I'm saying that there are healthier ways of accepting such news other than just shutting down or pulling yourself into a world of hate and self-loathing (which I used to be a master at!). Find the positives. Find the silver linings. Find those cashews!

Coach: "Note how you feel now. This is not your true 100%."

Me: "Wow. But I feel great. This is my relative 100. I can't imagine how I'd feel when I'm completely rested and recovered. Was today more like 50-60%?"

Coach: "Yes. You'll feel the difference at 100%. You'll be roaring to go the moment you wake up in the mornings. I'm actually pretty scared of what you're capable of at 100%."

Me too, coach, me too.

ps. my new bedtime is 9pm cst, and I need to be very strict on that. If any one of you sees me active online past this time or out and about, CALL ME OUT! It might be my dream, but it sure is a team effort.

Just Leap

I went rock climbing with my sister yesterday, and she somehow convinced me to tackle a hard route that she just completed (Karen is a much better climber than I am). It started out okay but quickly got rough at an overhang as my forearms were spazzing and my fingers were locking so I could barely grip anymore. I leaned back and sat with the belay line.

My partner in crime in scaling climbs!

"You just have to leap and catch that one hold, then the rest is easy," Karen advised me.

"You made it look easy! And my fingers and arms are shutting down. I'm ready to come down."

"Well, you better hurry before you tire even more. Just jump!"

I replanted my feet, readjusted my hand holds, and leaped. I caught the rock I needed and then proceeded to climb my way to the top.

I realized today how similar that 5.9b climb is to my triathlon career and dream.  In the summer of 2012, I finally figured out my purpose in life, and after (reluctantly) giving in, I began to love life in a way I never thought I could. I quit my job, I indefinitely postponed medical school, and I pursued triathlon. This was my first leap, and with any drastic change, of course, comes disagreement and disapproval. My parents strongly voiced their opinions and kept reminding me how foolish and crazy I was (they still do sometimes). The rest of my family agreed and would call me from out of the country to repeat the same concerns. 

It was just me and my dream against the world. I knew I was meant to be an athlete for life and to inspire countless others during my journey. Armed with just my drive and a few close friends as supporters, I took it upon myself to research what tools I needed whether it be mentally, emotionally, or physically, and began to train myself.

The journey has been long and rough, full of anger, sadness, injuries, frustration, and doubts (lots of it!), but there have also been times of pure happiness, contentment, and validation. The positives have completely outweighed the negatives, and I have grown more into the person that I know I was born to be. I'm the healthiest I've ever been in all aspects of the heart, mind, soul, and body, and I'm only going to get even stronger from here. :)

Climbing my way to the top, in all aspects of life :)

In case you still don't know what my dream is, I want to become a professional triathlete. Ever since I was a little kid, I've dreamed of becoming a professional athlete. First it was as a track and field runner (I was really good at it [competed at the national level] until I gave it up), and then as a basketball player (I was pretty darn good at this too! ..until I gave it up). I chose academics over sports, as I was raised to do, and that led me to my demise in college as I forgot how important it is to pursue your passions, dream, and enjoy life.

I have learned my lesson the hard way, and I can assure you that I am not letting this dream out of my sight. I made another big leap earlier this year in March by acquiring a coach. I knew for a while that the question wasn't if I was going to get a coach but rather when I was going to team myself with one. To achieve my dream, this was the next step, and it is also a very important factor for success at the top level.

While I was recovering from my concussion and was banned from physical activity, I spent a good two weeks with my coach discussing my dreams, goals, and plans. I then performed VO2 max and lactate testing, and the results blew my mind away as it was more than I could've ever hope for. Six words that have changed my life since:

"You have a really big engine."

Some girls may take that as an insult, but in my world, it's one of the biggest and best compliments you can get. Basically, I have it in me to become a professional triathlete.  ...I HAVE IT IN ME! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG, BUT NOW THERE'S ACTUAL PROOF. I'M NOT CRAZY! I shared the news with my closest friends, and they of course somehow knew this all along, so I had to feed them some of my humble pie.. :P

Choo choo! (imagine the kid is Chinese..)

It has taken me a while to write this post because I debated about making this news public in the event that the dream doesn't come true, because let's face it, I still have a long road ahead of me, and anything can happen. At the same time, it is the journey that I'm after, not the end result, and I owe it to myself and to you to share all the experiences of joys and setbacks as I fervently chase this dream. Sharing this news will also allow you to help me stay on track, to remind me what I'm after, and to chide me for eating an extra serving of ice cream or something..

And on that note, my dreams/goals/plans for the next few years:

2014

1. Lean out to hit my career race weight.
2. Place in top 18 at Age Group National Championships Olympic Distance Triathlon to qualify to represent USA at 2015 Worlds.
3. Blog at least bi-monthly! Weekly if possible (a yearly goal :) )
4. Build a killer base for 2015 season

2015

1. Break the 5 hour mark for Ironman 70.3
2. Qualify for Ironman 70.3 World Championships
3. Break the 10 hour mark at Ironman Texas 2015
4. Qualify for Ironman World Championships in Kona
5. Compete at the 2015 Age Group World Championships
6. Compete at Age Group National Championships again, only if I have a chance to take the title

2016

1. If everything goes well in 2015, and I'm ready to make another leap.. TURN PRO!

I do realize how big and bold these goals and dreams are, and I may regret posting them, but I do not regret the fact that I am a big dreamer because I know I have the heart and drive to make my dreams come true. And with the unconditional support and love from my family, friends, coach, and sponsors in my arsenal, there's nothing I cannot achieve.

And I leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

"If your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough."

One Day More

"Tomorrow we'll discover what our God in heaven has in store... one day more!" - Les Miserables

As long as there's a tomorrow (or even a today), there's no reason why one should lose hope or give up on a dream or let a passion go.

Off season was supposed to last only two weeks and back into training I go. It's been five weeks, and I'm still struggling to get going. I didn't know just how exhausted I was physically and mentally. I'd sleep 8-10 hours a night, nap 1-3 hours during the day, and still feel tired. I also didn't realize how many injuries I was pushing through during the last half of the season -- left shoulder, right ankle, right knee, right achilles. It's amazing how far you can push your body when you're mentally charged. (Important! I don't recommend pushing through the pain if you are seriously injured and will cause further/permanent damage. It's not worth it.)

The set backs made me start to doubt myself and my abilities. I tried to revalidate myself by going on long, hard rides with my cycling buddies to quell the voices in my head. Instead, the rides intensified them. Yes, I may have hung on for 60-70 miles, but the last 30-40 miles, I'd struggle like I'd never struggled before (physically and mentally) and get dropped. I'd blame it on lack of fitness and burnout (which is true), but the real blame was me. I wasn't in it. I wasn't committed. My head and heart had been compromised.

Huffing and Puffing

PC: Natalie

'I can' got replaced with 'I can't'. 'Just do it' got replaced with 'next time'.  All the positivity and mental strength I spent all season building were gone within weeks. Pitiful, right? It happens. I've lived with that darkness for years. I know just how easy it is to let it take over instead of fighting. Never again. I will always fight. Every good workout I had in the meantime kept me afloat. It lit a fire. It made me smile. It made me dream.

Last Saturday, when I least expected it, amazing news arrived. I barely made it through the first sentence of the email as I started to tear up. I couldn't tell my mom the news because I kept choking up. The fire roared. The dreams grew. Everyone in the restaurant disappeared and I was alone with my dreams flashing before my eyes. I, a no-name athlete, who lived among hundreds of thousands of triathletes in Texas, was chosen as one of the lucky 12 to represent our region and one of 185 to represent our nation for Team Zoot in 2014. ME! Are you serious? Is this a joke? Is someone playing a really crude prank on me? I finished reading the email and read it again and again. (I continued to read it a few more times throughout the day to make sure it wasn't a fluke).

I might print this out, frame it, and hang it on the wall next to my diplomas. :)

Soon, all the I can'ts turned into I cans. The laters turned into nows. The negatives became positives. The fact that I was able to train and push through injuries/exhaustion and still produce great race results/progress showed just how strong I am and how much better of an athlete (and person!) I am than a year ago. Zoot chose me for a reason. I stood out. I am meant to inspire. How can I inspire others if I've half-given up on myself? I was being selfish by dwelling in my self-pity. All my friends and training buddies and supporters always believed in me no matter what. They saw something in me too. How can I brush that aside?

Believe. No matter what. You were given your passions for a reason. If today doesn't go your way, look to tomorrow. You may get the best news of your life or the spark you need. There's no reason to hide. Step into the light and live. You'll be rewarded, if not today, then one day more. I'm going to use this opportunity to the best of my abilities to grow into the best athlete and person that I can be and to inspire hundreds (maybe thousands?!!) more. :)

Chasing a dream and never looking back

Mondays

Nearly everyone dreads Mondays, I'm not sure why, but today I'm feeling it too. Lying in bed and taking a mental status check on how all the parts of my body are feeling, I notice an abnormality. My right knee feels different than my left one and something just isn't right. Even if I didn't know what had happened or had any background information, I would've still sensed the same thing. It's crazy how in tuned one can be with the body.

Two Mondays ago, I went out on a morning run and slipped on ice and fell. The inside of my right knee was the first and main limb to make contact, taking nearly, if not all, the impact. Ouch. I popped right back up and finished my run. It hurt, and I could feel the swelling, but I've fallen before and have always gotten back up, so there was no reason to stop the training session. Once I got back to my hotel room, I took off my thermals and assessed the damage. Just as I expected: a huge lump with fluid and tenderness.

I did a lot of icing, compressing, elevating, and rubbing the next few days. Even though this treatment spelled out the famous RICE, it wasn't the right kind of rice. I never rested it. It felt fine so I kept running and hiking and running some more. I have a high pain tolerance, and really, it didn't hurt much unless I was massaging it to heal the bruise. It did feel different running, but nothing enough to make me stop (and I wanted to make the most of my altitude training!).

This is the best it looked after 3 days of massaging

Picture doesn't do it justice

Last Monday, I knew something was wrong since there was still a lump on the side of my knee despite the bruise being gone for days and walking up the stairs caused discomfort. So I made myself rest. By rest, I mean no running. I could still bike and swim since they are low impact. Wrong. Just bending the knee causes inflammation to the ligaments.

Today, after a weekend of testing my knee's limits for race day, I'm caving in and giving it as much rest as I can, so I can at least make it to the starting line next Sunday. Not too sure about that finish line, but I'm only going to focus on the one line in front of the water. That's what matters at this point. You can't finish what you don't start.

Parked myself in front of the tv

It's hard enough for me to sit still, and let alone not train, but a soldier's gotta do what a soldier's gotta do. Lose the battle, but win the war (watching too much television? which btw is so tiring and uninspiring). I can feel the fitness leaving my body at a rapid pace. :(

Hopefully next Monday will be better, so I can start liking Mondays again.

One Year

It's been exactly a year since I quit my job, forgone medical school, and pursued triathlon. It has been a tough year mentally, emotionally, and physically, but every drop of blood, sweat, and tears (lots of them) were totally worth it. I've learned a lot more about myself as a person and as an athlete, and I know what I need to do in this life to succeed, be happy, and inspire others.

Happy ONE year to me! And many more to come :)

The past 365 days by numbers:
6 triathlon races
5 personal records
2 podium finishes
1 DNS (due to food poisoning)
810.93 miles ran
260.84 miles swam
4300.78 miles biked
104.18 miles hiked
253.5 hours spent on the bike
57.4 max mph on the bike (descending a mountain!)
214,438 calories burned (not including swimming)
3 national parks visited
2 state parks visited
7 books read on nutrition/training
1 joyous triathlete + her awesome support group

The last in the list is by far the most important :) Thank you guys for a great year and for many more to come! Lastly, I depart you with some wisdom.

Top 6 things I learned:
 6. Don't let anyone ever tell you you can't. Haters gonna hate. Lovers gonna mate. Hah! But seriously, only you can determine what you can or cannot do. Do not let anyone else dictate that for you. My parents used to tell me all the time as a kid that I was too small, too short, too weak to compete with the rest of them and that I should give up so I won't have to work so hard. I believed them and their words came true. I still struggle with this as an adult, but I have learned to ignore them and other naysayers and instead channel the little engine that could. I think I can, I think I can, I know I can.
5. Never give up. I was ready to give up my entire athletic future once I got shoulder surgery, but all that led to was sadness and loss of motivation. I did not enjoy my own pity party, so I signed up for an Ironman not knowing if or when I'll be able to swim/bike/run again. I never looked back since.
4. You are stronger than you think you are. Many times in a race or during training, I was ready to call it quits. I didn't think I could go on or push any harder. I've always wanted to cut a sprint set short, but I forced myself to finish because I knew I would regret otherwise. I actually finished some of the sets in descending times and did not feel trashed afterwards.
3. Don't stop dreaming. Ever. Dreams fuel you. They make you smile and grit your teeth when things get tough. They pull you through. And when they finally come true, it's a feeling that's unrivaled. You'll feel so amazing that someone could punch you and it wouldn't matter or hurt because your dreams came true!
2. Pursue your passions. I tried to put my sport-based passions on the back burner for school and that only made me burnt out, depressed, and hating life. That is not an enjoyable way to live, trust me. Whether it's kayaking, basketball, football, triathlon, running, reading, hiking, traveling, or eating, include your passions in your life. Life is too short to deprive yourself of them. You are never too busy! Prioritize this!
1. Hit the pause button. Or as Gru likes to say, freeze ray! Life goes by too fast, but what's even worse is that we let it. I forget to enjoy the moment or the blessings in my life because I'm too caught up with daily tasks or planning out my future. It's nice to shut everything out and enjoy the beauty of a sunrise during a run or the smell of chlorine on my skin during the day or instagramming a herd of cows sitting in a bed of wildflowers at the top of a hill I'm bike climbing. Stop what you're doing once in a while and just soak everything in. It'll make you smile the rest of the day, I promise.

WORD! :)

Patience may be a virtue, but it sure sucks

A week from today, I'm supposed to be in Milwaukee gearing up to race the Olympic-distance Age Group National Championships, but instead, it will most likely be fifty-three weeks until I hit the big stage. I finally got my invitation last week while I was away on vacation, but the slots had already filled up and using my VIP sign-up pass would only get me on the waiting list.

I've made the hard decision not to sign up and give Nationals a try this year because:
1) Uncertainty of getting a slot to compete
2) Cancellation of flight tickets and hotels -- lose $$
3) Dislike of last minute plans
4) I'm not where I want to be if I were to compete at this high of a level (qualification came as a surprise)
5) If I go to Nationals, I'm there to own it. I want to give qualifying for World Championships and representing USA a real shot, not just be there for the experience (and spend money/savings).
6) I'm a baby in my age group. To qualify in my first year is a good sign in the direction I'm heading. I still have four more years in the F25-29 to leave my mark. I need to make the top 18 to go to Worlds.

I feel like I'm letting myself down for declining this opportunity, and more importantly my followers and supporters. All of you have continually encouraged and spurred me along on this journey, and whenever I had doubts about my own abilities, you never failed to lift me up and pack my punch with more power. For that, I am immensely grateful. I cannot do this without each and everyone of you. I hope you all have really good patience, because I'm going to have a long journey ahead of me, and I'm going to need you there every step of the way.

I am normally a very patient person unless it comes to myself and my own endeavors. I had originally (foolishly) given myself only a year to achieve an elite/pro status, and if things did not work out, I would abandon this dream and move on. I had completely underestimated how long of a process this transformation takes and how much patience plays a huge (and healthy) part in the creation of an elite endurance athlete.

Garmin Monthly Data

I started the year ambitiously as I revved up the miles in January. I felt great, progress was showing, and I was ready to conquer. Next thing you know, I'm stuck in bed for days, getting sick, and lacking motivation. I had trained myself to exhaustion and could barely get out the door in February. Patience. Slow and steady wins the race. I finally read about how most of my favorite professional triathletes took years and years (8 for Meredith Kessler) to make the jump from an amateur status to a professional one, and that gave me a new look on my plans and dreams.

As my year is almost up (and despite many thoughts to give up on this dream), I am ecstatic to tell you that I am not giving up. I'm ending my timeline ultimatum of one year and extending it to however long it takes or until my passion for the sport dies (long shot!). My goals and dream are still the same, only the list of wanted achievements keep growing. :) I have a race tomorrow and a few more in store later this year. I hope to finish high enough on the charts to get an early qualification to next year's Age Group National Championships and have my own secured spot to compete. The next time I receive this email, you can sure bet that I'm going to RSVP hell yes.

My Surprise Achievement of the Year

Just because I'm not going to Nationals doesn't mean the rest of my season is boring! I'm going to try to use Sunday's race to qualify for next year's Nationals. The 5i50 in September also serves as a qualification for a different National Championship, and my half ironman in October will be an opportunity to qualify for the 70.3 World Championship in 2014. 

I told you I'm a dreamer. :)

Redemption

Ironman 70.3 Austin was my first Ironman affiliated event. It was also my first have-faith-in-yourself, make-the-leap race. I trained for it while still going to school full time and working 25 hours a week. I was forced to learn how to be disciplined and how to find joy in pain.

My training consisted only of high intensity sessions and a lot of strength work (that was all I had time for). My times solely improved due to strength, not because of speed or better endurance. I had a goal time to finish at 6 hours, but what I didn't realize at the time was how much specific training you need to do to hit a goal time. There's long bike rides and bike pacing and endurance runs and tempo runs, etc. Long story short, I finished at 6:40.00 and was so devastated and disappointed in myself. I had given up mentally before the start of the run. That hurts me more than not being physically prepared.

I now have the chance to redeem myself. Three years later, I'm going back to race Ironman 70.3 Austin this October. I have nearly a whole year under my belt on how to train and recover properly, and I understand all the different kinds of training sessions that are needed. I will be entering the race with a lot more confidence and experience. I will also be having another have-faith-in-yourself, make-the-leap race because I am going to give it everything I got, mentally and physically. My ultimate goal of the day will be to qualify for the world championships, and in doing so, I will know how to plan my following year and career in this sport. If not, I will take my foot off the gas pedal and possibly return to school and remain an amateur athlete until I am really ready to make a run for it/am in peak condition.

I have a three tier goal this time around. Just achieving the first level will be enough for me. I will be on cloud nine. The next two goals will just be icing on the cake and will top off what has already been a ridiculously amazing, awesome, and joyful year.

Goals
1. 5:15 or under.
2. Podium in age group.
3. Qualify for 2014 70.3 World Championships.

High goals? Yes. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Spit spot! Time to get to work. Got only 14 weeks to get ready!

Got my game face on :)

Surprise!

I love surprises. Imagine my reaction when I saw this email in my inbox this evening:

My reaction! :)

My next scheduled race is a sprint triathlon but it isn't until July 14, which is after the deadline. So I needed to decide whether or not to sign up for a race ASAP to take advantage of this opportunity. Finishing in top 10% of my age group would mean either winning 1st or 2nd. To be safe, I'd have to win my age group to qualify. Would that be a reach for me, especially at a sprint distance triathlon? Yes. But will I let that deter me from even trying? NO.

I don't feel like I'm even remotely close to being ready to be on the big stage like Age Group Nationals, but that's where my dream lies, so I cannot let fear keep me from pursuing it. If someone opens a door for you, you walk through it, right?

I just signed up for the Y-Freedom Tri on June 30th. Looking at last year's roster, I will need to win my age group to earn a qualification spot. Am I ready for this? I don't know, but I have a lot of work to do the next nine days!

Ahh!!! Excited and extremely nervous.