Fear

Fear limits you and prevents you from achieving your goals.  To succeed or to even just move on, we must do as Mr. thomas Carlyle says,

"the first duty of man is to conquer fear; he must get rid of it, he cannot act till then."

I fear failure. Failing something makes me feel inadequate and purposeless. What was the point in spending all that time studying or training if I can't score high or perform well? If there's nothing to reap from your investments, then are you really investing?

I had hit that wall during my race on Sunday. The pity. The sense of dread. The feeling of failure. The tears. I wanted to quit. Quit the run, quit the race, quit the dream. I was failing and I didn't want to cross the finish line feeling that way.

Backing it up, I was already more nervous and uncertain than usual for this race because of my knee and the fact that I hadn't been feeling well and could not train properly the final weeks coming into the race. I tried to lower my expectation of myself in regards to my time and splits, but it's hard to do that when you've trained for so long and had such a fruitful year. I want to do better. I want to be better all the time. I sure wasn't going to smash my 70.3 time from April, but I wanted to at least beat it by minutes or seconds.

Race start got delayed due to rain

Swim: The swim went well except the strong current made me swim more meters since I kept getting pushed away from the buoys. The girls in my wave were more pushy than normal as I got grabbed and kicked a few times. Ouch! But I finished the swim in my usual time of 41 minutes. I need to start swimming in the open water more to get used to swimming the race pace/effort that I can push in the pool. Something to work on this offseason.

Wetsuit smile!

T1: I got out of the water feeling really tired, lethargic, and out of breath despite not pushing very hard. Something felt wrong respiratorily as I just couldn't seem to get a good breath. Stripped off my wetsuit and walked through transition, hoping to catch my breath and recover for the rest of the race. I had to carry my bike out of T1 as there were a lot of burrs in transition, which caused a lot of flats. My arms were getting tired and I just wanted to drop my bike and just roll it!

Bike: Less than 0.5 miles into the race, my chain dropped. I had to stop, unclip, and hook the chain back onto the ring. Frantically trying to fix the mechanical as quickly as I could, I cut my thumb and hand a few times with the gears, leaving a trail of blood with bike grease soaking into the cuts. Gotta love infected cuts! The rest of the ride went okay. I tried to push the pace, but I just couldn't hold it and was feeling more tired than I should be. Still couldn't breathe well :( I also had to brake and slow down often since the roads were still slick and wet with puddles and there was quite a bit of climbing. I still finished with a respectable time despite not really pushing.

T2: The second I got off my bike and took my first step, my right knee buckled and I knew the run was going to be a struggle. I wanted to push through anyways and finish the race. I took the time to clean my feet of rocks and applied Glide to all the hotspots in my shoe/feet so I can solely focus on running the half marathon at race pace and ultimately get a PR.

Run: The first three miles were great! I was pacing well. My legs felt great and I knew I could hold this pace the entire way. It was going to hurt, but I wanted to end the season with a bang. The only problem was my breathing could not keep up with my efforts. The same problem that started in the morning still lingered. I was probably getting sick as my lungs just felt heavy. At mile four, climbing up a big hill, I hit that mental wall and dread just consumed me. To top it off, my knee finally started hurting. Both knees, as my left knee was trying to compensate for my right.

Black toenails are part of the job! 

Had to drain that sucker..

I felt a huge amount of guilt and fear. I had failed myself. I wasn't going to run a personal best half marathon or achieve a personal best 70.3 time. I wasn't going to finish the race giving everything I got. I wasn't going to end the year on a high note. I had so much fear in me that I just wanted to quit. Quit everything. Quit this stupid dream and return to school full time. Live a normal life. Quit investing and risking because I hate and fear failure.

Fear makes you do (and think) stupid things. Before the tears could drop, I forced them to stop. I told fear to stfu and that I wasn't failing. My body was just telling me not to push it today and to preserve myself for the future. It didn't want to risk any permanent damage, and neither did I. I immediately shut it down and just casually jogged the rest of the 8-9 miles. The rest of the race, I thought about my season and how far I've come as a person and as an athlete. There's no failing there. And even if I do 'fail' my goals, it's not true failure. True failure is never taking the risk, never investing in your happiness or well being. True failure is giving into fear. What's the worse that can happen? You gave it a shot. You gave something that would've been a 0% possibility a chance. That's a success. Reap the benefits and learn from the journey. Don't give into fear.

I finished the race in 5:45, which is a good time considering I ended up participating instead of racing. It shows me how strong I am despite not feeling well and being injured. It shows me that I have nothing to fear. It shows me much encouragement for my progression next season and that I have so much to look forward to. I will enjoy my offseason and take the time to heal and recover and then I will return to training with full force and an even larger fire in my belly.

Fear? Schmear. I burn fear as fuel for training. ;)

PS. My right knee is definitely more inflamed from racing and there's an even larger knot/bump, but I am resting and icing it all week. I'm not in any major pain, so don't worry. :) Thank you for your amazing support this season, and I hope to make you more proud next year!

Mondays

Nearly everyone dreads Mondays, I'm not sure why, but today I'm feeling it too. Lying in bed and taking a mental status check on how all the parts of my body are feeling, I notice an abnormality. My right knee feels different than my left one and something just isn't right. Even if I didn't know what had happened or had any background information, I would've still sensed the same thing. It's crazy how in tuned one can be with the body.

Two Mondays ago, I went out on a morning run and slipped on ice and fell. The inside of my right knee was the first and main limb to make contact, taking nearly, if not all, the impact. Ouch. I popped right back up and finished my run. It hurt, and I could feel the swelling, but I've fallen before and have always gotten back up, so there was no reason to stop the training session. Once I got back to my hotel room, I took off my thermals and assessed the damage. Just as I expected: a huge lump with fluid and tenderness.

I did a lot of icing, compressing, elevating, and rubbing the next few days. Even though this treatment spelled out the famous RICE, it wasn't the right kind of rice. I never rested it. It felt fine so I kept running and hiking and running some more. I have a high pain tolerance, and really, it didn't hurt much unless I was massaging it to heal the bruise. It did feel different running, but nothing enough to make me stop (and I wanted to make the most of my altitude training!).

This is the best it looked after 3 days of massaging

Picture doesn't do it justice

Last Monday, I knew something was wrong since there was still a lump on the side of my knee despite the bruise being gone for days and walking up the stairs caused discomfort. So I made myself rest. By rest, I mean no running. I could still bike and swim since they are low impact. Wrong. Just bending the knee causes inflammation to the ligaments.

Today, after a weekend of testing my knee's limits for race day, I'm caving in and giving it as much rest as I can, so I can at least make it to the starting line next Sunday. Not too sure about that finish line, but I'm only going to focus on the one line in front of the water. That's what matters at this point. You can't finish what you don't start.

Parked myself in front of the tv

It's hard enough for me to sit still, and let alone not train, but a soldier's gotta do what a soldier's gotta do. Lose the battle, but win the war (watching too much television? which btw is so tiring and uninspiring). I can feel the fitness leaving my body at a rapid pace. :(

Hopefully next Monday will be better, so I can start liking Mondays again.

Love

I'm so in love with this sport. You'd think after two full years of training nonstop, I'd find some reason to hate it, but instead, I've only found more to love. 

I love how it's an individual sport. Whatever work you yourself put in is what will show up on game day. There's no one else to blame but yourself. You have to take responsibility, and that's a trait many people are lacking in this world today. If I miss a bike ride because I wanted to watch a movie instead, that's on me. If I'm not having proper recovery because I'm being too social, that's my fault. I've made my choice in lifestyle, so I need to be responsible and make the sacrifices needed to produce success.

I love the community. Despite how individualistic the training and racing may be, triathlon is actually a team sport. From family to friends to training partners to competitors to volunteers to complete strangers, they all provide the support and encouragement that make athletes successful. The love that one can witness between compadres on the race course is touching. Good job. Keep it up. You're looking good. You'd never think simple phrases like those could stir something inside you, but they do. All an athlete needs sometimes is just a spark to relight their drive and to finish the 5k or Ironman marathon. On most competitive arenas, there's smash talk going on, but never during a triathlon have I ever heard a negative word. We are all positive toward each other and are striving toward the same goal -- to be better. Better athletes and better people. 

Meredith Kessler pulls in fellow pro Leanda Cave for a hug right before the start of the 2013 Ironman World Championships

I love how the sky is the limit. There's absolutely no cap as to how far you can go. Your career or hobby of triathlon doesn't have to end because of age or life stages. If you put in the time and effort and are patient, the times will keep dropping. Don't give up. This is an endurance sport, both on and off the field.  Even Natascha Badmann at age 45 had the fastest split of all the pro women at Ironman World Championships last year. Besides just decreasing race times, there's also the challenge of distance. Mastered the sprint distance? Aim for long course, 70.3, Ironman, or even the ultra Ironman. There are no limits. 

I love the heart. In no other sport have I seen an athlete stumble, fall, and crash to the ground because her body gave up, but her determination and spirit didn't as she crawled the last few meters of the Ironman World Championship race to cross the finish line in second [Julie Moss, 1982]. The first place female passed her while she was crawling. This sight caused the already deafening crowd to roar with encouragement and inspired generations to come. The female participation count drastically increased the following year. Heart. Cannot live without it. 

I love the dream. I want to make it to the big stage. I want to race the Ironman World Championships in Kona and give it my all. I want to inspire the thousands of spectators and future generations. I want to remind others that there is still so much light, hope, and love in this world and that you can do anything you set your mind to. Dream big and big things will happen. Anything is possible.

I spent 11am to 9pm watching the entire Ironman World Championship in Kona live online yesterday and never once did I lose interest. I didn't leave my room for lunch or dinner because I didn't want to miss anything. It was that good. I rooted for all my favorite pros and encouraged them through verbal shouting and social media. It was like I was there, minus the gorgeous Hawaiian backdrop and sea breeze. 

This is by far my favorite picture of the day yesterday. You can feel the dream, joy, accomplishment, support, and love all in one moment. 

Mirinda Carfrae, 2013 Ironman World Champion and her fiancé Tim O'Donnell. 

This sport has stolen my heart, and I'm afraid I'll never get it back. And I am perfectly fine with that. 

What a vacuum can teach me

The last few months I made the leap and forced myself to try to bike and hang on with the A-paced cyclers during all my group rides. I've always decided against this because they are way out of my league! And I also didn't want to be a hassle in slowing them down when I get dropped during a no-drop ride.

Even though I got stronger riding solo this year, there's something entirely different about riding in a group or with a training partner. They provide encouragement, they push you, they compete with you, they make you better. It was during a solo ride when I passed a cycling friend, and she proceeded to whoop and holler, telling me how good I looked. :) (Yeah, thanks Natalie!) Later in the ride she caught me, showing how much stronger she got.

Natalie and Marjorie, Queens of Cycling. 

I couldn't let them have all the fun in the A group. 

[PC: Natalie]

I started doing group rides again in June, but I stayed with the B+ group since that's all I knew. Natalie on the other hand was riding with the A group. I was jealous. She kept trying to convince me to join her, but I declined because I was scared and didn't think I was good enough. I saw how much fun Natalie and her friends were having and I wanted to be a part of that, so I leaped and never looked back.

Did I mention that A group had good looking people as well?

I just had to meet Marjorie and Eddie. :)

[PC: Natalie]

Every group ride I do now, I start with the fastest group no matter what. I hang on as long as I can, trying to increase that distance each time. With the really fast A groups, I have to draft often as I can't sustain that fast of a pace for long periods. What goes through my mind during these rides, you ask?

"Suck it. Suck it. Suck it. Suck it." 

Suck that wheel in front of you, no matter how much pain you're in. Suck that wheel, no matter how much you want to quit. Suck that wheel, even though you have no energy left. Suck that wheel, so you don't get dropped. Suck that wheel so you get stronger, faster, and better. Suck that wheel, so you can reach your goals. Suck that wheel to keep the dream alive. Suck that wheel because you can. I don't care if you've gone over your heart rate threshold, just suck it!

[Side note: For those of you who don't know cycling lingo, drafting is riding close behind another cyclist's rear wheel to save energy. They break through the wind barrier/resistance for you, and sitting close to them allows you to draft off them to save energy. Once you get close enough, your front wheel gets sucked into their rear wheel's slipstream.]

It's not a rare sight to see me passed out on the floor in my room after long rides with the A group. The effort wears me out. Despite how much pain I'm in during and after the ride, I can't help but have a huge sense of accomplishment and my goofy grin.

Vacuuming in 2006. Sucking and grinning.

As I continue to live this life, I need to be more like a vacuum. I need to suck. :) When things get tough, I need to suck it up and keep moving on. When I feel tired and am sore or in pain, I need to suck it up. When the weather is gloomy or rough outside, I need to suck it up and still go out to train. To get to where I want to be as an athlete, I need to put in the work. I cannot quit or give into what the world dishes at me. I need to persevere. I need to push on. I cannot give up. If there's something you want, a dream you chase, go for it. Give it everything you got. There's nothing to lose but fear itself. You are capable of more than you think. Believe in yourself. That's the greatest gift you can give. Go suck! :)

Sucking has made me look good too ;)

[PC: Natalie]

PS. Thank you Natalie Pruitt and Marjorie Muniz and Eddie Viteri for embracing me into your training group. Thank you for believing in me and for making me work and for shaping me into a better person and athlete. Thank you for all the pain and the fun. Hard work is hard, but I wouldn't want it any other way, and you make it easier. All my [future] success will always be credited to you guys.