"the first duty of man is to conquer fear; he must get rid of it, he cannot act till then."I fear failure. Failing something makes me feel inadequate and purposeless. What was the point in spending all that time studying or training if I can't score high or perform well? If there's nothing to reap from your investments, then are you really investing?
I had hit that wall during my race on Sunday. The pity. The sense of dread. The feeling of failure. The tears. I wanted to quit. Quit the run, quit the race, quit the dream. I was failing and I didn't want to cross the finish line feeling that way.
Backing it up, I was already more nervous and uncertain than usual for this race because of my knee and the fact that I hadn't been feeling well and could not train properly the final weeks coming into the race. I tried to lower my expectation of myself in regards to my time and splits, but it's hard to do that when you've trained for so long and had such a fruitful year. I want to do better. I want to be better all the time. I sure wasn't going to smash my 70.3 time from April, but I wanted to at least beat it by minutes or seconds.
Race start got delayed due to rain
Swim: The swim went well except the strong current made me swim more meters since I kept getting pushed away from the buoys. The girls in my wave were more pushy than normal as I got grabbed and kicked a few times. Ouch! But I finished the swim in my usual time of 41 minutes. I need to start swimming in the open water more to get used to swimming the race pace/effort that I can push in the pool. Something to work on this offseason.
Wetsuit smile!
T1: I got out of the water feeling really tired, lethargic, and out of breath despite not pushing very hard. Something felt wrong respiratorily as I just couldn't seem to get a good breath. Stripped off my wetsuit and walked through transition, hoping to catch my breath and recover for the rest of the race. I had to carry my bike out of T1 as there were a lot of burrs in transition, which caused a lot of flats. My arms were getting tired and I just wanted to drop my bike and just roll it!
Bike: Less than 0.5 miles into the race, my chain dropped. I had to stop, unclip, and hook the chain back onto the ring. Frantically trying to fix the mechanical as quickly as I could, I cut my thumb and hand a few times with the gears, leaving a trail of blood with bike grease soaking into the cuts. Gotta love infected cuts! The rest of the ride went okay. I tried to push the pace, but I just couldn't hold it and was feeling more tired than I should be. Still couldn't breathe well :( I also had to brake and slow down often since the roads were still slick and wet with puddles and there was quite a bit of climbing. I still finished with a respectable time despite not really pushing.
T2: The second I got off my bike and took my first step, my right knee buckled and I knew the run was going to be a struggle. I wanted to push through anyways and finish the race. I took the time to clean my feet of rocks and applied Glide to all the hotspots in my shoe/feet so I can solely focus on running the half marathon at race pace and ultimately get a PR.
Run: The first three miles were great! I was pacing well. My legs felt great and I knew I could hold this pace the entire way. It was going to hurt, but I wanted to end the season with a bang. The only problem was my breathing could not keep up with my efforts. The same problem that started in the morning still lingered. I was probably getting sick as my lungs just felt heavy. At mile four, climbing up a big hill, I hit that mental wall and dread just consumed me. To top it off, my knee finally started hurting. Both knees, as my left knee was trying to compensate for my right.
Black toenails are part of the job!
Had to drain that sucker..
I felt a huge amount of guilt and fear. I had failed myself. I wasn't going to run a personal best half marathon or achieve a personal best 70.3 time. I wasn't going to finish the race giving everything I got. I wasn't going to end the year on a high note. I had so much fear in me that I just wanted to quit. Quit everything. Quit this stupid dream and return to school full time. Live a normal life. Quit investing and risking because I hate and fear failure.
Fear makes you do (and think) stupid things. Before the tears could drop, I forced them to stop. I told fear to stfu and that I wasn't failing. My body was just telling me not to push it today and to preserve myself for the future. It didn't want to risk any permanent damage, and neither did I. I immediately shut it down and just casually jogged the rest of the 8-9 miles. The rest of the race, I thought about my season and how far I've come as a person and as an athlete. There's no failing there. And even if I do 'fail' my goals, it's not true failure. True failure is never taking the risk, never investing in your happiness or well being. True failure is giving into fear. What's the worse that can happen? You gave it a shot. You gave something that would've been a 0% possibility a chance. That's a success. Reap the benefits and learn from the journey. Don't give into fear.
I finished the race in 5:45, which is a good time considering I ended up participating instead of racing. It shows me how strong I am despite not feeling well and being injured. It shows me that I have nothing to fear. It shows me much encouragement for my progression next season and that I have so much to look forward to. I will enjoy my offseason and take the time to heal and recover and then I will return to training with full force and an even larger fire in my belly.
Fear? Schmear. I burn fear as fuel for training. ;)
PS. My right knee is definitely more inflamed from racing and there's an even larger knot/bump, but I am resting and icing it all week. I'm not in any major pain, so don't worry. :) Thank you for your amazing support this season, and I hope to make you more proud next year!
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