Cashews and Peanuts

Whenever I open a bag of trail mix or mixed nuts, I tend to pick through and find my favorites first. Tart cherries, dried pineapple, cashews, and almonds. My dad hates it when I do that because all that's left in his Planter's Deluxe Mixed Nuts can is just peanuts, hazelnuts, and Brazilian nuts. Oops. Love you dad. And in my defense, I do leave a cashew or two for him..

Deluxe for me, not so deluxe for my dad!

Life's adventures are like a bag of trail mix. I don't know what I'm going to get, but I know there will be disappointment, encouragement, failure, and success. And just like how I pick and choose which nut or dried fruit to take in first, I also need to decide which life news/adventure to absorb that will help me grow the most.

A wrench got thrown at me today after follow up testing with my coach, and it hurt. I'm disappointed, very disappointed, because it wasn't what I wanted to hear. At the same time, it was encouraging, but I didn't feel encouraged at all because I was too busy feeding on the peanuts. (No offense to peanut lovers! I just love cashews more!)

I did all my training. I was in the hurt box more than ever for many sessions and still pushed through. I completed workouts that I didn't even think I could do. My average watts increased. My strength increased. I felt and knew I was a stronger athlete. I was ready to show that on paper on test day.

Boy was I wrong. I couldn't even complete the test last week due to exhaustion and lack of recovery. Mentally, I could've pushed on, but physically, I was dying. My lactate levels were doubled what they were last testing, during warmup no less, and I'm supposed to be a better athlete now. Coach shut the test down and gave me a lecture and lesson on the importance of rest, recovery, and sleep. Duely noted. My agenda for the week was to try to sleep at least 10 hours a day (really really hard for me! I've struggled with good quality sleep since college/depression and surgery) and to test again after recovery week.

I went into testing again today feeling like 100%. I was definitely more awake than last week, and my body felt more alive and ready to pounce than it had the past few weeks. I was ready to knock some numbers out of the ballpark! The only thing I knocked was my pride. I was feeling so good, and pushing the pedal to the metal felt much, much easier than last Tuesday. I knew I was going to put up some impressive numbers again today. 

Coach: How are you feeling?

Me: *thumbs up* (mumbling through an oxygen mask) I feel great!

Coach: Yeah, that's deceiving. Let's shut it down.

Me: ?!?

Well, I did produce some high numbers, but not in the good way. My heart rate and lactate levels were even worse than last week and way higher than my initial testing. 

WHAT!!? How is that possible?? I rested all week just for today, and I feel so much better. How can I be that much worse?

After explaining all the possible factors to me and seeing my face, coach ended the day by saying, "don't be discouraged. It's good that we caught this now so early. You're so young, and there's still years before your prime. Once we figure out what's wrong and fix it, you'll be unstoppable. It's a learning process. For both of us."

Going in thinking I'll hear news like 'you're going to be the next big thing' and coming out with 'you're going backwards', 'you're probably sick and don't know it yet', and 'you need rest'. That was all I focused on. Those dang peanuts!! I should've done this, I should've done that. Yadda yadda yadda. I let myself get disappointed and discouraged because I was focussing on all the wrongs, all the problems, all the things out of my control. This action was not helping me grow at the moment, and I was in fact retrogressing. The dream does not end here. Disappointment does not end dreams. Failure does not end dreams. Inaction does. So what am I going to do?

You can always count on this guy for  great life advice!

Shift my focus and pick out the cashews and tart cherries. Find the positives, and find the lessons. Adapt and learn. 

• Coach said this could be easily fixed with reduced training volume and extra rest. 
• I need to focus more on trying to get better quality sleep and discover what helps with that. It's hard to fix something immediately that I've had trouble with for years, but I have to start somewhere.
• The changes might only take a few weeks to turn into progress instead of months or even years (worse case scenario of major overtraining).
• I'm still a baby in this sport, and all these things I learn now will be weapons later.

Mmm. Don't these cashews and cherries just taste better? I'm not suggesting that you should have a deaf ear to criticism or advices or changes, I'm saying that there are healthier ways of accepting such news other than just shutting down or pulling yourself into a world of hate and self-loathing (which I used to be a master at!). Find the positives. Find the silver linings. Find those cashews!

Coach: "Note how you feel now. This is not your true 100%."

Me: "Wow. But I feel great. This is my relative 100. I can't imagine how I'd feel when I'm completely rested and recovered. Was today more like 50-60%?"

Coach: "Yes. You'll feel the difference at 100%. You'll be roaring to go the moment you wake up in the mornings. I'm actually pretty scared of what you're capable of at 100%."

Me too, coach, me too.

ps. my new bedtime is 9pm cst, and I need to be very strict on that. If any one of you sees me active online past this time or out and about, CALL ME OUT! It might be my dream, but it sure is a team effort.